You truly do not understand how excited I am to share the first installment of The Spotlight Effect series with you. When I first thought up this series, I knew I wanted to include Peter from the start, so him reaching out and asking to be a part of it, made it all the better. If you want more info on this series, you can click here!
Peter and I met in high school, and recently became close after bonding over our intense love of all things Marvel. He is an aspiring author that I know will do great things. I love his drive and authenticity to always stay true to the things he’s passionate about. I had always seen him as such a confident person, which is why including him in my Spotlight Effect series was important to me.
Often times, it’s only women who we focus on when discussing confidence and insecurities. I think we can all agree that women are judged so intensely, especially when in the public eye, but that does not mean that men don’t feel the same doubts and insecurities that we do about ourselves. This conversation with Peter brings a perspective that is not often heard.
I am endlessly grateful to Peter for being the first person to be a part of The Spotlight Effect series, because I know it’s not easy to talk about your insecurities, let alone be the first one to do so. I had so much fun walking around his neighborhood, taking photos of him, while we talked and laughed for hours.
I hope you enjoy this conversation as much as I did.
Caroline: So for starters, I just wanted to know… well, you probably don’t remember the first time we met, but what’s the first thing you notice about me when we see each other?
Peter: I remember the first time we met though! We sat together at lunch. What did I first notice about you? Probably your blonde hair.
C: I guess it’s only fair that I tell you some of my insecurities, since I’m asking you to do the same thing. I know it’s not easy to talk about your insecurities, because it makes you feel like now that’s all people are going to notice about you… so thank you again for doing this. It’s funny you say that my hair was the first thing you noticed about me, because I don’t give my hair much thought, especially in high school, so I didn’t know anyone paid attention to it. But, my biggest insecurity is probably my under-eye circles since I came out of the womb looking like a Tim Burton character. Then of course my body has always been a weird one for me, and I have a dent at the tip of my nose that really bothers me.
P: Mine are probably the wrinkles around my eyes, but I don’t even know if they count as wrinkles. I just think one of my eyelids has one more wrinkle than the other, so when I take pictures I’m like, oh my god! The symmetry of it bothers me. I’ve always been bad about my weight, because it’s been a weird journey. I feel like at one point I was a little bit chubby, and then when I lost a lot a lot of weight, I feel like I wasn’t at a good healthy weight, but I still wanted to lose more. Now I feel like I am at a healthy weight, but I don’t like that, which sucks to admit. Now at 23, I feel like I should be more body positive, but I’m not. It’s weird though, because I don’t feel that way about other people.
C: You mean, when you don’t look at other people, you don’t think about their weight?
P: Yeah.
C: I agree, I’ll look at someone, who is maybe larger than me, and I’ll think wow, they look so good and confident! I was in the same situation as you kind of, I was overweight as a kid, I hated shopping back then and hated how I looked, which I wrote about in my body neutrality post. That for a 10 year old is really hard, and I just read a statistic today that 80% of 10 year old’s are scared of being fat. Isn’t that sad?
P: Oh my god, yeah. I have an eight year old brother and I would hate to find out that he felt that way. But it’s different for girls and boys.
C: That’s why I wanted to talk to you, because I feel like there’s a stigma against men to never feel insecure.
P: Yeah, I feel like I’ve never talked about my insecurities on social media. Like another thing I’m insecure about is my hair and how thin it is.
C: Me too!
P: See it’s funny you say that, because I never thought your hair looked thin. So when people take pictures of me, like you did before, I always wonder how it looks, because you move one piece and it looks ridiculous. So yeah, eyelids, weight, and hair are probably my top three, but I feel like I could go on and on!
C: I totally get that! I think that’s why I advocate body neutrality so much because it always reminds me that on some days I love my body and on some days I don’t love my body, but on all days I respect my body.
P: I really like that.
C: Yeah, I think it really helps a lot. But anyways, you told me what you first noticed about me, so I wanted to share what I always notice about you! Every time we hang out, the first thing I notice is how nice your skin is. It’s so glowy and perfect.
P: Oh my gosh, thank you, aw.
C: Of course! After we’ve talked about those things, are you surprised my insecurities are what they are?
P: I’m not trying to invalidate you, but I really don’t see the dark circles?
C: They’re there, look! They’re so hollow. I always want to edit them out.
P: I never noticed that, I still don’t. I do not think you look like a Tim Burton character.
C: SPOTLIGHT EFFECT!!!
P: Something that’s really specific to me, is that I’ve been home a lot since graduating and no one’s really seen me for like a year. You’re one of the only people to see me in person, so if anyone sees me it’s always online, and it ends up being this thing where I want to make sure that the photos we took, look like the ones I post, because I only show what I want people to see; what I like about myself.
C: That’s really important that you bring that up, because I feel like a lot of people only post what they want everyone to see. It’s like a warped reality.
P: Yeah, it’s weird, because sometimes I feel like I don’t exist, because I only exist online.
C: Yeah, I feel that. When I post photos online, I always think that people are so disappointed when they see me in real life, because I probably look so much worse.
P: That’s exactly how I feel!!!
C: Which is funny, because I think you look exactly the same!
P: As my pictures, seriously???
C: Yeah!
P: I went to this Book Expo with a bunch of people who only know me online, and I was so nervous, and hoping that I looked the same as I do online. I was like, what if they don’t recognize me? But they did.
C: Where those always your insecurities?
P: I feel like I didn’t notice the eye stuff before, but now I see it in every photo. With the idea of the wrinkles though, I think it’s because there’s a joke between my friends, that I look the same as I did five years ago, so it’s hard to tell when a photo of me was taken. I really want to hold onto that and not have these things that make me look older.
C: Like I told you before, I would have never noticed that. Do you feel like people notice your insecurities, or are you conscious that it’s probably just you?
P: I feel like the eyes, it’s just me, but the weight, I don’t know if anyone would ever tell me the truth. People do say, oh you look fine, but I guess I would say that to someone too, because I wouldn’t notice a five pound difference. If I take a photo where my chin doesn’t look sharp and perfect, I will not post it. I took a month to post a photo once, because I thought people would think I looked like I gained weight.
C: Yeah, and you look great in that photo! Coming from a fitness professional, I never use dialogue that focuses on how your body looks. I always use words that talk about how you feel, so my brain truly doesn’t look at someone and sees them for the way their body looks. Honestly though, I think you look great. For me I remember when I was underweight, people would always tell me they wished they were as skinny as I was. Then there were also people that would tell me I needed to eat some more, in a really condescending way. I didn’t see that back then, and now I look back and I’m like holy shit, I was a stick, that’s why my family was worried about me. Then when I gained weight, people started telling me I looked healthy, which made me think I looked fat. Now when I hear that, I think it’s such a great compliment! I think it means I’m glowing and full of life.
P: Aw, I love that. I remember when I lost a lot of weight, people would tell me I looked skinny and I was so happy. Then the comments started getting more negative, but I was still happy. Like oh my god, you think I look like I’m about to pass out? Thank you so much! And I would still want to lose more weight. Now when people tell me I look healthy, it’s hard to see myself in that same way. I stopped posting pictures for like three years, and posted photos this year again, so when I started posting again, I was nervous that people were going to notice, or think that I changed. I didn’t get that though, which was good, thank god. I always said I was going to wait till I got to that 17 year old weight to post photos, but then I got over that and now when I post photos I feel really good about myself.
C: Do you feel like you compare yourself to people a lot?
P: No. That is one thing I don’t do. I think the downfall of that is that I compare myself to different me’s. Me when I was 17, 19, 23. I like the way I look in theory, if everything looked the way I want it to look, so I compare myself to that.
C: I used to compare myself a lot to models on Instagram that probably don’t even look like themselves. I had to unfollow a lot of those people, and now I realize like there’s no point in comparison. Like I’m only ever going to look like me. I used to do this a lot, and I still catch myself from doing it, but whenever I didn’t wear makeup I used to apologize for not wearing it. Like how fucked up is it that I’m like, whoops, sorry for just looking the way I look! Like, no one should have to do that.
P: That’s so true, you shouldn’t.
C: That’s great that you don’t compare yourself to other people. People focus so much on other people, when you’re never going to look like that person. It’s not an insult, it’s just a fact. It’s not going to happen. Do you ever try and accept your insecurities?
P: With the weight, there are certain parts of my body that I’m like, oh nice, my ass got bigger. But then it’s like, oh, my belly got bigger too! I’m aware that if I lost a few pounds, then I’d probably lose my ass, so it’s weird, because I accept it with limitations.
C: That’s the thing, like if you don’t accept yourself in the moment, then you’re probably not going to be happy once you lose or gain weight. So always respecting yourself, no matter how you change is important.
P: That’s why I haven’t pushed myself, because I really want to think about it. I don’t want to be like, hey let me lose 15 pounds, because that’s not good. Instead I’ll be like, let me just modify my lifestyle. I remember when I lost all that weight, I wasn’t happy. I’m probably a happier person now.
C: I think it’s great that you realized that, and you’re aware of where you are. So on the other side of things, what’s something you really love about yourself? I personally love my collarbones. I don’t know why but, there’s something so feminine and pretty about that area. I love wearing low tops or thin straps to show off my collarbones.
P: I like collarbones too. Definitely my skin, and I don’t even know if this should go on the blog but, I do like my ass. So I try to wear clothes that make sure you can see it.
C: No, go off!!! I like my ass too. Doing things and wearing things that make you feel good is what matters. So why not focus on the things you love about yourself? It sounds dumb, but just waking up and saying thank you to your body for living life for you, or looking in the mirror and complimenting yourself, or kissing your shoulder, can make such a difference. And my final question is, when do you feel the most confident?
P: Hm, I don’t know. It’s weird, on one hand when I take photos, it could be a bad experience, but if I know I’m serving, then I’m like, oh my god this is amazing! But even if I just dress nice that day and don’t take photos, I feel confident, so it depends on my outfit. When I go to book events and I dress up I feel great.
C: Being around an environment where you feel welcome.
P: Yeah, if I know I’m in that environment and I know I look good, that’s when I feel the most confident.
C: I love that, my outfits also make me feel confident, no matter how crazy or boring they are. I think if you feel good, people can feel that.
P: Yeah, it’s like an energy.
