Choking on my smoothie bowl while watching Harry Styles’ music video for Watermelon Sugar is not the way I expected to spend my Monday afternoon, but things could definitely be worse.
Elio and his peach in Call Me By Your Name had nothing on the way that Harry ran his fingers across the watermelon in that opening scene.
While I liked Harry’s cheeky dedication to ‘Touch’ in the beginning, loved the multiple fashion statements, yearned for the summery, beachy fun, and wished for a vintage 70’s filter to engulf my entire life, there’s one thing I very quickly realized. I would never be able to eat watermelon the same way ever again.
So then I started to think about all the other sexy fruits. Why do I, or we as a society, find them to be a little bit NSFW?
Part of me has always loved flirting with the idea of sexuality in ways that are not immediately obvious to the naked eye, and in my opinion fruit is one of the best ways to do so.
Maybe it’s the way they look, or just the overall sensory experience, or the iconic pop culture moments we relate them to. Whatever it is, I felt like ranking the top 10 fruits from most to least sexual was very on brand for me. Without further ado, please enjoy.
1. Watermelon
Clearly, I’ve been highly influenced by the previously mentioned music video, BUT, if you know what the term watermelon sugar refers to, then, you know. Also she’s very sweet, juicy, pink, and wet.
2. Peaches
I would be lying if I said the peach scene in Call Me By Your Name wasn’t pivotal in my placement of peaches on this list, but for a long time they held the number one spot. Regardless of their relation to Timothée Chalamet, peaches have always been pretty sexy. They’re the full sensory experience. Soft to the touch, a lovely scent, an intoxicating flavor. There’s also something about peaches that has always reminded me of femininity. And lest we forget, they look like cute little booties.
3. Banana
Although an obvious choice, I feel like the ranking is deserved. Literally try putting a banana in your mouth and look at someone in the eye without a single dirty thought. I don’t feel like I have to elaborate much here.
4. Strawberries
This is one that sneaks up on you. She’s cute and sweet, but throw some melted chocolate or whipped cream into the mix and it’s a different story. The perfect balance of sweet and sexy. Every time I think of strawberries, I think of that scene in Gossip Girl when Serena and Nate are dating and they decide to make breakfast one morning… very juicy.
5. Cherries
I kind of forgot about this one, because I’m allergic to these babies, but they’re definitely ~spicy~. Also just think about every single hot guy or girl, in every single movie and show, that tied a cherry stem with their tongue to prove they were a good kisser.
6. Papaya
Did this one surprise anyone? I don’t know what it is exactly, but there’s something about papaya that makes me think it’s a little bit sexual. Is it just me or does it kind of resemble female genitalia, like kind of. Where’s Freud when you need him?
7. Grapes
When I think of grapes I think of lying on a beach somewhere in Italy, with one tanned lover feeding me grapes, while the other fans me with a palm leaf. That’s really all I have to say here.
8. Pomegranate
Pomegranates have always been a symbol of temptation and sensuality in Greek literature, so I feel like that’s probably why they’re kind of cheeky. There’s also the reference to forbidden fruit, which is way cooler than an apple. Also, unrelated but I need to bring it up, why are pomegranates always used in vampire related things? I need answers.
9. Grapefruit
Is it just me, or are grapefruits always used as the cover photo for articles about vaginal health and female sexuality? Who decided that?
10. Pears
She’s thicc.
So there’s that. This now exists on the internet with my name attached. Next time you enjoy any of these sticky sweet goods, I hope this makes the experience more enjoyable or amusing and not icky. Don’t think about it too hard. Eat your fiber.
Feature Image via Vogue