We’re back, baby. Two weeks in a row! Would you look at that. I was planning on spreading these out a little bit more, but I got too excited to share. It’s my blog, I do what I want (although I promise there will be different content in between next time).
Anyways, this installment of The Spotlight Effect means a lot to me, because it’s with one of my best friends.
Bradley and I met in fourth grade, and after losing so many friends that I thought I’d know forever, he’s still there for me. Even though I’m an only child, knowing him has made me feel like I never missed out on having a brother.
He doesn’t love taking pictures, so I am especially grateful that he was willing to do this, and the pictures came out super fab if I do say so myself!!!
One of the things that I personally took away from my conversation with Bradley was how much he doesn’t focus on the physical, and instead focuses on the way he feels or how something makes him feel. That’s definitely something I want to do more.
So without further ado, enjoy.
Caroline: So what is the first thing you noticed about me on the off chance that you remember-
Bradley: I don’t remember.
C: Or what is the first thing you notice about me in general?
B: Uhm, you know we’ve been friends for quite some time, so I don’t fucking remember, but I guess now… yogi(a general reference to anything fitness related I do), lifestyle, creativity, free spirited, because that’s just kind of who you are, who you’ve always been. Definitely when I first met you, like, I don’t know. Ghost white girl??
C: Literally, like what were we, in fourth grade?! Like 9 years old?
B: We must have met in middle school.
C: Yeah, it was fourth grade. We didn’t start talking though until like… sixth grade. We were in the same homeroom and stuff. We weren’t super, super close, but that’s when we started becoming friends.
B: WE WERE?! I don’t remember that. I don’t remember sixth grade at all. Trauma.
C: My trauma is usually with my mother, so. I don’t remember what I first noticed about you either, probably that you had really long hair.
B: Oh yeah, yooo *cringes*.
C: But now, in general, this is such a strange thing to say but, I don’t know if your face is necessarily symmetrical, because I can’t tell those things, but you have such a good proportioned face.
B: Thank you, because that is something I actually don’t fuck with. Thank you so much.
C: Yeah it’s really good, you’re welcome!!!
B: I do think I have a huge nose though, but my ancestors would be proud.
C: It’s interesting, when I ask people this question it’s always a physical thing, but it’s never what I expect.
B: I usually remember a feeling.
C: Yeah, I was gonna say, it’s nice that you said something that wasn’t physical. Usually it’s something about me being blonde or something about my dancing…
B: That’s why when I first, first met you I was like, ghost white girl, because I was a ruthless piece of shit in middle school and all up into high school.
C: It’s so weird that we’re friends. I mean now it makes sense, but when we were younger, the fact that we stuck through it all.
B: It’s because, our experience at least, we were always stuck together with the same people.
C: Yeah, even though in high school there were some new people, it was basically like going to school with all the same people from middle school.
B: Yeah and what I consider a friend now, is not what I would have considered a friend then.
C: Very true. Anyway, being that insecurities are hard to talk about, it’s only fair that I talk about mine–
B: You have a horse penis.
C: How’d you know? But uhm, one of my insecurities is my nose. I want a nose job really, really bad.
B: You’ve been saying this since middle school.
C: Yes, because there’s like a dent in it, and I hate how it looks from the front, that’s why most of my pictures are from a side angle.
B: It’s cute, I think it’s cute!
C: Thank you!!! I don’t like it, I also don’t like how it looks when I smile. I feel like it widens.
B: Are you sure it’s not just your nostrils flaring?
C: Yeah uhm, that’s what it is, but they could flare less.
B: They don’t flare that much.
C: I don’t know, I don’t like it.
B: I mean, eh, to each their own, I can’t be like, STOP BEING INSECURE ABOUT THIS!
C: Yeah, I always comment on people’s noses, like when they have a nice one, I’m always like, cute!!!
B: I feel like we all do that, like with our insecurities, especially when they’re physical, we always notice it on other people when it’s what we want. You’ll always notice the thing they have, that you like.
C: Yeah, so that’s one of my insecurities, my little butt nose, and it’s all my dad’s fault.
B: What, did he like roast you as a kid?
C: No, he has one too, like it’s genetically his fault. So what’s yours?
B: Literally, also my nose. I think I have a really big nose. It’s not something that I’m like, oh my god I’m gonna hide it, but like I’ll definitely look in the mirror and be like damn… that’s a big fucking nose!
C: I don’t think it’s that big!
B: I think it is, or wide at least. Something else that bothers me, granted I don’t have it as bad as other people, blah, blah, blah, but you don’t have to have it as bad as someone else to be self-conscious or insecure about it. My little acne stuff has always been a thing for me. It’s kind of cool now though, because of the industry I work in, I now have like my own little skincare routine and stuff. Also my eyebrows, because they used to be bushier before.
C: I LOVE YOUR EYEBROWS!!!
B: Thank you. A girl in middle school roasted me for having bushy brows. That was the instance where I was like, wow I have ugly brows. I never considered it before. She was like yo, why don’t you do your eyebrows, they’re mad fucking bushy. And I was like they’re bushy?!!!
C: Bushy eyebrows are a thing now! I’ve never done my eyebrows in my life.
B: I also have like weird brows, they sit like, low on my face, so I literally just get rid of the bottom part.
C: Yeah, I mean I was never insecure about my eyebrows, even when they were invisible (I’m a natural blonde if y’all weren’t aware), but then sometimes people would say something about it-
B: I used to say something about it and I’m sorry about that. Also my bad to all the people I used to roast, I was the worse.
C: At least you’re self-aware.
B: And that’s on growth.
C: Growth *in unison*. Yeah, I don’t know, I feel like it suited me, and then when I was dying my hair brown I was like I’m gonna look fucking crazy with no eyebrows and dark hair, so I dyed them. But the first time I dyed them I thought I looked insane and everyone was like you’re being dramatic, they’re fine. Now I love them, and I’m so happy that I never did anything to my brows, since you couldn’t see them, and now I have a really good shaped brow.
B: I can’t get the slant that I want in my brows.
C: I’ll pluck them.
B: You can go for it, if you want. I want them to be straight then down, like not too “feminine” but yeah.
C: Were those always your insecurities?
B: For the most part, yeah. I guess a lot of people go through this, but my weight when I was younger. Mainly in middle school, I was chubbier, and that was something I used to freak out about. Like, am I too heavy?
C: I think that’s really important that you bring that up. Being a CIS, straight male, that’s something guys don’t really talk about. Insecurities-
B: Insecurities in general! Part of the reason I’m doing this. Thanks to feminism for that, honestly it’s allowed us to speak about our insecurities. Straight guys don’t acknowledge that, but you know.
C: Especially weight, like when people think eating disorders they’re like, FEMALES, but it’s a pretty even split!
B: Especially for guys who lift, it’s definitely a thing, like muscle size.
C: Body dysmorphia.
B: I would definitely like to go for a bigger look.
C: There’s nothing wrong about wanting to look a certain way. It’s scary to me, when I talk about this with people, everyone has struggled with their weight. It’s wild because we were all so young when these problems started, and it’s so fucked up.
B: It was never a drastic thing for me, like I know your experience with your body was much worse, but it was always things that you couldn’t actually see that were worse for me. Eventually puberty hit and I was a toothpick.
C: Yeah, like I’m at a healthy weight now, I mean I don’t really weigh myself, but I did a couple of months ago because I thought I was mentally past it, but the number triggered me. Like even though I knew I was leaner and had more muscle, my brain started to think, hm, maybe I shouldn’t be feeling good, maybe I am gaining weight.
B:Your mind’s a fucked up thing. I feel the exact same way.
C: Yeah, people don’t realize that things like this are mental sometimes.
B: Yeah, it’s not always something you can see. For me, I hate talking about the mental, emotional stuff more than the physical.
C: That’s me too, I grew up with people that made me feel like my problems weren’t actual problems.
B:Same, and building walls.
C: It’s really hard to talk about my feelings, I’m always like well, it could be worse.
B: My new go-to is just, it be like that. Yeah, we all think our individual situations suck, and they do! I’m not trying to dismiss anyone’s problems, yeah they suck, because you’re you, and I’m not, so to you it probably does suck.
C: Everyone has their own normal. Do you feel like people notice your insecurities?
B: I mean, probably, but I don’t think people are sitting down with a fucking pen and paper and writing it down. It’s probably not something people notice right away, like since I don’t have that much acne, maybe they notice it but they’re not judging it.
C: Like just thinking it as an objective statement, and not as something they have an opinion on.
B: My height is something that people probably notice, but I don’t really care about it that much. It is what it is, I’m a short king.
C: That’s always so funny to me, because I really don’t feel like I notice things like that. I’m not trying to act like I’m better than anyone, I just don’t notice things like height, weight…
B: Yeah, people also have their own definition of things like, chubby, fat, tall, short.
C: I also don’t think someone being fat or skinny is negative. Like it doesn’t mean bad.
B: It’s just an objective statement.
C: Because in society, fat has a negative connotation, but I’m never saying it that way. Not that I ever comment on the way people look, but.
B: A spade is a spade.
C: A lot of the time when I mention my insecurity, everyone is like that’s not a thing, what are you talking about?
B: We’re all playing our own individual game of life, so other people don’t notice the things we notice about ourselves. I would love to see myself from someone else’s point of view.
C: I think about that all the time. Do you compare yourself to other people?
B: Yes, but not like, okay I’m doing this, what is this other person doing? Like wow this person is doing this and I’m not, what am I doing wrong? It’s not that I’m doing anything wrong, I’m just playing a different game of life. People will post pictures on social media, but you’re not seeing anyone’s entire story. It’s just a highlight real. So I’ll look at something and wish that I was on vacation somewhere or whatever, but I won’t go and sulk about it.
C: Do you feel like you compare yourself in the sense that, you see a guy and wish you looked like him?
B: I feel like this is something that girls do a lot. I’ll see a guy with more muscle than me, and yeah I wish I looked like that, but I see it more as motivation.
C: It doesn’t make you feel bad about yourself.
B: Yeah, It’s almost more like a mentor. Like what can I do to reach this goal. I know that when all you do is lift, you’re gonna look a certain way. I still work a 9-5, spend a couple of hours at the gym, and eat like shit, no duh I look the way I look. I still like to look at those guys for motivation. Or like when you post on social media, what someone thinks about you isn’t the end all be all, but it matters.
C: I get that, like even my dumb pictures are a little cute.
B: The way people perceive you matters, you’re not gonna post stupid shit. I feel like you should assume that people don’t look 100% like their pictures, but you should be like 70-80% there.
C: Apparently, I do look like my pictures, but I still think I’m a catfish.
B: You do.
C: Thanks, so do you.
B: I was also following people who I noticed kind of all looked the same and had the same lives and I realized I don’t need that. I can appreciate people, women, in real life. Shout out to you guys, because you guys are beautiful, Girls are better than guys, I’m sorry. *insert “I love it when women- TikTok here*
C: Yeah, when I was peak body dysmorphia I unfollowed a lot of people.
B: I’m sure that fucked with the way you saw yourself, right?
C: Literally went mental. I still can’t follow certain people. Although I still follow a lot of pretty girls, but not because I want to look like them, I just want to look AT THEM.
B: You appreciate them.
C: I admire them.
B: WOMEN *sparkle emoji*
C: What’s something you love about yourself?
B: I don’t consider things like that, but I guess my chest? Like I’ll get some comments on it.
C: Your hard work pays off, and people notice it.
B: Yeah, yeah, but some things I like about myself are that I’m blunt, I think I’m funny, and I try not to take myself too seriously. I don’t really think about things…
C: You don’t really think about things physically. I mean, we’re just in a skin suit really.
B: In the gym, there will be days when I don’t hit the numbers I usually do, but then I realize where I am logistically and realize why I can’t.
C: You put into perspective your whole situation and realize it makes sense. Like women are typically weaker when they’re on their period, because your body is using so much energy, so you’re a lot more tired.
B: Never given that a second thought.
C: Yeah like sometimes I can’t do a bicep curl with a weight that’s usually easy for me.
B: I try to go to the gym before I go to work, because it makes me happy. I think people should focus more on the things that make them happy, first.
C: It makes me happy that you said you workout because it makes you happy, not to look a certain way.
B: It didn’t start off that way.
C: I’m sure. When do you feel the most confident?
B: Post gym pump.
C: I feel that.
B: Also when I’m really drunk I guess.
C: Liquid confidence.
B: Yeah, it lowers inhabitations, so I definitely feel more confident, even though I have no right to be. Also kind of when I’m high. Weed relaxes me.
C: So weed is more like, I don’t care about my insecurities, and alcohol is more like, I don’t have any insecurities.
B: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Two sides of the same coin. Not the best answer, but. Something a little more positive is when I’m listening to a song and I hit the notes, that makes me feel super confident. Like, I FUCKING CRUSHED THAT!!! Wearing a fit that I like.
C: That’s definitely one of mine. Like I almost want people to look at me when I love my outfit. Like I can can’t control the way I look, but I can control my outfit.
B: Yeah, you have style though, like you can pull off shit that I wouldn’t even think about.
C: When I create outfits it’s almost like a code I’m trying to break.
B: It’s also just like having the confidence to wear something.
C: Yeah, in my head if people are looking at me I’m like, oh they’re looking at my outfit not me. Even though I obviously don’t know that. Any final words?
B: Get a TikTok.
