Uhm, hi. I’m back. I know I left you without any explanation, but it’s because I started a newsletter, that I’ve been very consistent with, so be proud of me!!! It’s all about fashion news, red carpet reviews, etc. and it’s a fun time. Highly recommend. However, I miss writing other content. So what better way to make a comeback than to write something that should be left for my therapist or journal instead!!!
I feel like the universe is against me. I don’t want to hear it from you manifestation bitches. I don’t want to HEAR IT!!! I was so desperate to get out of this chasm that I tried to become one of you. It didn’t work. Don’t tell me I was doing it wrong, because you don’t even know what you’re doing.
Except the thing is, I’ve done more than speak my dreams into existence, I’ve actually tried. I’ve tried so many things, so many different ways. After a while, you don’t want to try anymore.
I believe in myself, I know the things I’m good at, I know the things I’m bad at, I know the things that make me happy, and I know what I want to do. It’s just that no one else seems to care. The jobs that I have applied to don’t care, because even though my resume contains everything they’re looking for, they need someone more experienced to exploit, and they know they’ll find it because we all need to make a living. The people that are so happy for me every time I take on a new endeavor or put out some new content don’t care, because while they like the idea of me or that funny thing I said to them once, they don’t care about my success or happiness, because why would they? It has nothing to do with them. Nothing I do has anything to do with anyone else except for me, so why should they take the time to subscribe to my newsletter or share one of my blog posts or to hire me for a position?
I’m not saying I don’t have a support system or friends that root for me, but I’ve never been the person that captures everyone attention. The person that people want to support. I’m not interesting enough. I don’t have a certain anything that makes me stand out from all the other white, brunette girls populating your feed. I’m not prettier than them, I’m not funnier than them, I’m not smarter than them. I don’t say those things so that you feel bad for me or so that you try and and convince me I’m wrong. I just think we’ve all been here before.
It’s so easy to feel like you’ll never be good enough doing what you want to do, because there’s so many other people trying to do those things to. And why do I deserve something more than they do?
Then when you think the feeling can’t get worse, you get a taste of success, you move a millimeter in the direction you’ve been trying to turn all your life, but you get stuck again. It was a false alarm, a false hope, and you’re back to feeling like you’re never going to move.
Yet, I can’t help but keep going. I can’t help but do the things I love and I can’t help but talk about the things that deserve your attention, because ultimately, I’m doing it for me. Whether you like it or not, I don’t actually care, but I wish you would care a little bit more. If I stop believing I’m on the right timeline and I’m in the right place and I’m doing the right thing, I will quite literally, no longer exist.
Fin. Yikes, I apologize that this is what you’re getting from my comeback. Next time we’ll be more concise and less depressing. Probably. In the meantime, subscribe to my newsletter, follow my fashion Instagram, and my regular one, or at least like manifest me getting cast in Gossip Girl or something. Just kidding, unless…