No one ever complimented my body until I was at my lowest weight; my unhappiest weight. Although we probably aren’t surprised, we can all agree that, that’s pretty fucked up.
I remember hearing every single variety of “I wish I was as skinny as you!” and thinking, but I’m not even that thin. Mind you, I was underweight, had no period, was cold all the time, and could never control my emotions. Also, my booty, she was gone.
I was always on the heavier side growing up, and when all of your friends are cute, skinny girls, and all of your favorite celebrities are cute, skinny girls, it skews the way you view yourself. I danced, I played softball, I swam, and I spent a majority of my time outside, but I was never “skinny”. At one point in my adolescence, I was even overweight.
I remember a moment when I went shopping for jeans at the age of 11, and cried in the dressing room, because the size of the jeans that I wanted to fit me, didn’t. Shortly after this, puberty hit, and I started to lose some baby weight. I was still curvier, but seeing my new body led me to garner an interest in working out and eating healthier.
When I first got into health and fitness, I saw my body as bad. When I started to lose weight, I saw it as better, but still not good.
The combination of OCD, body dysmorphia, a low-calorie diet, and an exercise addiction, led me to drop weight very quickly. Even though I was underweight, I still looked in the mirror and thought I could drop a few pounds. The fact that my skinny jeans looked like boyfriend jeans, or that a size 0 was still a tad too big, didn’t seem like an issue to me. What was an issue to me, was the fact that I still didn’t have a flat, defined stomach. In my head that was the only way I thought I could love my body.
Then I was introduced to the body positivity movement, and I tried to convince myself every day that my body was good, hoping one day I’d believe it. Instead, I felt like I was failing, because no matter how hard I tried, I just didn’t believe it.
I don’t know what switched in my brain, or when the body dysmorphia started to slowly get better, but it was then that I realized, I didn’t really like the idea of body positivity. Now don’t get me wrong, I think the whole movement has made amazing leaps in helping people feel comfortable in their skin, no matter how they look, but I think it goes about it in the wrong way.
There’s this preconceived idea in our society that specific body types are good and specific body types are bad. With the constant rise of social media, we’re comparing ourselves to others, now more than ever. Facetune is seen as a normalcy, so we truly don’t even know what’s real. Half of the time the person you want to look like, doesn’t even look like that themselves.
I’m not sure about the exact scientific evidence behind this, but… I’m 100% certain it is impossible to be 100% positive, 100% of the time. If you are trying to be body positive, but you’re just not feeling yourself that day, it’ll feel like you’re failing, and no one likes feeling like they’re failing. It’s discouraging to feel like you’re trying to love yourself every single day, but it’s not happening.
This lead me to change my mindset. I started to be body neutral, instead of body positive. I stopped thinking of my body as being good or bad, and instead just thought of it as being.
To me being body neutral means not giving too much power to the positive or negative thoughts I have about my body. It means respecting my body and steering clear of constant self-hate, without the pressure of constant self-love. I came to the understanding that, on some days I like my body, and on some days I don’t like my body, but every day I respect my body.
Accepting this mindset taught me how to love myself as a person, and not just as a body. It taught me to appreciate all the things my body does for me every single day. It taught me how thankful I am to be able to move my body however I please. It taught me to love that little bump on my lower abdomen, because there’s a whole ass uterus in there doing its job!!!
As a fitness professional, I’ve taken everything I’ve experienced first hand with my body, and used it to create the environment I want for all of my clients. I’m always mindful in making sure everyone feels comfortable in one of my classes no matter who they are. I ALWAYS use body neutral terminology, and will never say things to imply the way your body looks now needs to change. Instead, I want my clients to focus on how strong and capable they feel. I want them to feel like what they’re doing can be enjoyable and fun, no matter what level they’re at.
Even though I’m an instructor, I still like to be a student sometimes, but I’m very picky about the classes I take (sorry). The minute I hear an instructor say something about how the workout we’re doing is going to make me lose all of my belly fat, or make me beach body ready, I make a mental note to never sign up for their class again. I don’t know about you, but hearing things like that don’t make me feel good about myself, they make me think that I’m taking that class to fix something about myself. It goes against every body neutral bone in my body.
I know self-love is hard, especially when it’s so easy to compare yourself to someone else. But I want to make it very clear that one person’s beautiful body does not lessen the beauty of your body. When I look at a photo of myself next to my friends, I don’t start by comparing the size of our waists. Instead I choose to look at how happy we are, and how much we enjoyed that moment.
I love my body, I appreciate my body, and I respect my body. Getting into a body neutral mindset made it easier, but it wasn’t easy to get here, and it can still be a challenge to stay here. I don’t focus on being perfect anymore, and instead focus on being perfectly myself.
It’s our differences that make us so interesting, and I think looking at our bodies and focusing on the things we already love can help in accepting our imperfections. Be nice to yourself and slowly sink into your body. Give yourself a hug and detach the idea of “good” and “bad”. The first step in loving your body is more mental than it is physical, so do the things that make you feel strong, powerful, sexy, etc. It’ll take time, and it won’t happen the same way it did for me, but if you ever need someone to turn to, my arms and ears are open.