Listen, I know it’s been almost one year since the first installment of this series, but life got in the way, and then when I was ready to bring it back, the world imploded.
Nonetheless, we’re back baby!!! I’m so excited to do more of these, and I couldn’t think of a better person to get back into the swing of things with.
Anna and I went to high school together, but she was two grades above me so we never really interacted. Fast forward to a few years later and social media did one of the few things it’s good at and made us friends.
If you put Anna and me in a room together we would talk for 24 hours straight, assuming you kept us fed and hydrated. I’m not kidding. That’s why I couldn’t wait to have this conversation with her; I knew it would be fabulous.
I tried my best to compress this conversation without leaving out anything good, but that’s very hard to do when you’re having a conversation with someone that makes talking easy and effortless.
Anna is a beautiful human being inside and out. She’s one of my favorite people and also my future makeup artist for when I become famous (she doesn’t know this yet but sorry, I don’t make the rules). Anyways, get a snack and sit back, because I know you’ll enjoy this conversation as much as I did.
Caroline: So first of all, thanks for doing this. I know it’s not easy to talk about insecurities.
Anna: Of course! I’ve gotten a lot more comfortable in my own skin and more comfortable in accepting that I’m going to find flaws in myself but I’m still worthy. Even if I find flaws in myself, they don’t ruin me.
C: Yeah, that’s why I always talk about body neutrality, because body positivity never made me feel good. I was always like, I can’t be positive all the time!!! So anyway, what is the first thing you noticed about me, if you remember. If you don’t, what’s the first thing you notice about me in general?
A: Uhm, your dancing, your skills!!
C: Oh what a phase in my life. I peaked.
A: You. Did. Not! This is awful, but I also remember you being a white girl. Growing up in Elizabeth, we’re all so diverse, that having white people in our school was the minority. Then I found out that you were Polish, so wow, your percentage was SO much lower. So I remember that; thinking, wow there’s a white girl in Upper (our high school)???
C: That’s fair!
A: Like I’m white, but I’m Hispanic so…
C: White passing.
A: Yeah, like I have that privilege, but I’m always like, I’m not white, I’m Brazilian!!!
C: That makes sense! I remember seeing you around high school, but the first thing I remember always noticing about you was that time you had really short hair and thinking, wow she looks so cute, I wish I could do that, but I knew it’d look bad on me.
A: Oh yeah! Senior year, I did have a pixie cut.
C: That’s probably the first thing I noticed about you, but in general I just always look at your skin.
A: Aw you’re so nice.
C: It’s so good.
A: My dude, I look at your skin all. The. Time. You have SUCH good skin!
C: But I dooooon’t.
A: But you do!!! I mean, I understand you put in effort to have good skin, but you’re always glowing. You’re a dewy queen.
C: Ugh, I try. My mom is always like, “Less is more!” but she could put coconut oil on her face and she’d be fine, so she’s that person.
A: Well yeah, I always hate giving recommendations about skin, because I was just blessed. I get the occasional breakout or hormonal acne, but it’s never crazy. My husband always had bad acne so when I talk about a pimple, he’s like, please shut up.
C: My skin is super dry too, so that’s annoying.
A: Yeah mine too, and they always say moisture is the fountain of youth so I’m like, I’m going to age so poorly!
C: I know, AND I’m white. Like how dare you make me dry.
A: White WILL crack.
C: So, back to insecurities. It’s only fair that I tell you mine, and I’m going to talk about a different one than when I talked with Peter, and that’s okay! Insecurities change, and it’s okay to have more than one. So one of mine is my lower belly area. When I was super underweight… well, the reason I wanted to be skinnier was because I didn’t have a flat stomach. When you’re young and impressionable, you’re fed all this information from bloggers and fitness people that isn’t true, and all I wanted was a flat stomach. Even when I was 95 pounds, I didn’t have a flat stomach.
A: You know why? Because your stomach has organs.
C: LITERALLY! I HAVE A WHOLE UTERAS. I’m also just not built that way, my body just has a natural curve, so I can’t do anything about it. Then when I finally started gaining weight, I also started struggling with bloating around the same time due to the fact that I was not eating enough and my organs weren’t functioning, and I still struggle with those issues. It takes a lot longer to fix the damage than it does to do the damage. I’m definitely a lot better now but then something set me back last year, and it’s always a constant struggle trying to find what works so I hate when people are like, “but have you tried this?!” because trust me, I have.
A: Health is so individual, to me it feels like you’re taking my problem, that is the size of the world to me, and fixing it with this one little solution and it’s dismissive.
C: Yeah, exactly! So now I’m still insecure about it because I deal with bloating almost every day, and it sucks because I’m finally happy with my body and how it looks on days when I feel fine, and I can barely enjoy it. I know it’s probably something that people don’t even notice half the time, but it’s just like, I know I don’t look like that.
“I am not what I think of myself”
A: And it sucks because obviously when outsiders look at you, we don’t see your imperfections. That’s something I struggle with all the time. A) The world doesn’t revolve around me and B) I am not what I think of myself. I’m hypercritical and people aren’t like that towards me. When I look at you, I don’t see your stomach. I’m seeing that you’re fantastic, you’re so talented, your skin is fantastic, your eyes are beautiful, you’ve got beautiful hair, your bone structure is stunning! You could be a model!!!
C: REALLY?! Stop it!!!
A: Are you JOKING?!
C: I’m gonna cry.
A: Your jaw line??? Ugh! So good.
C: Yeah she’s cute.
A: You have a very unique face, in a beautiful way. You have a face for like… Glossier.
C: HIRE ME!
A: No seriously. So, I think so highly of you, but I don’t see the stuff that you see. Like you always talk about your under eyes, and I don’t see anything.
C: Yeah, everyone always tells me that. It’s interesting, because with my weight… I never notice that about someone else. Like my mom will always try something on and be like, “do I look fat in this?” and I’m always just like, I don’t know, you look like a person wearing a skirt. I don’t know what to say. I’m not trying to lighten the blow, my mind just truly doesn’t work like that when I look at someone.
A: I was really chubby in middle school and got bullied pretty hard, and lost a TON of weight in high school but that never changed in my mind.
C: You’re always a fat kid in your head.
A: YES! I was talking to my mom about it and she was like, really? I didn’t know you still saw yourself like that. I used to cower basically and hide myself and my stomach. I lost so much weight, but I was never a size 0, maybe a size 4, but never had a flat stomach. My body isn’t structured to look like that. I wanted the white, American, thin, blonde structure, but I’m Brazilian. Our bodies are shaped differently. I spent all that time hating myself. Then I was dealing with depression and having a hard time and gained a lot of weight. Now I look back and I’m like, I wasted so much time thinking I looked the way I look now, then.
C: Yeah, when I was my thinnest, I was skin and bones. I still didn’t have a flat stomach, so I didn’t see that I was skinny. It wasn’t until I gained the weight back, and a year later I was watching an old dance video and I was like holy shit… that’s my leg? Not my arm? I was like oooh, so now I get why you were all concerned, I see it. Because I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong.
A: Body dysmorphia, man.
C: We don’t like her.
A: Yeah, junior year my wrists were so skinny, and I look back at old pictures, and I’m like oh my god! I hated myself, and I feel so bad for that girl.
C: My skinny jeans used to fit like boyfriend jeans.
A: That scares me, because obviously now I’m a size 12. I’ve lost weight since the last time we talked, and I need to lose weight for health issues, but I don’t want to get into the mindset of losing weight for how I look. Mainly, I just want to have a healthy heart. If that means losing weight, that’s great. But it’s scary to me, because I feel great about myself after losing weight. I loved my body 6 months ago and what it did for me, but it’s like this balance, I’m happier now that I’m smaller.
C: But there’s also nothing wrong with that, you know? Like it’s fine wanting to look a certain way.
A: Not only that but, I don’t want to do this for other people or to look like a certain person.
“…I don’t want to do this for other people or to look like a certain person.”
C: You’re doing it for yourself.
A: For me, and there’s such a fine balance. I always struggle with, are you doing it because you’re conditioned into thinking being smaller is more beautiful, or do you just like yourself smaller? I wasn’t healthy when I was at my heaviest, but I also cringe at the way I looked. I don’t know maybe I’m going against body neutrality.
C: I don’t think so.
A: One of my biggest insecurities is the cellulite on my legs. I had cellulite as a child, I had cellulite when I was the skinniest I could have been, it does not mean it’s because I’m fat. I say that it’s severe cellulite, my mom says it’s genetic so it doesn’t depend on how much I weigh. I don’t wear shorts because of it, and it sounds stupid, because it’s not a big deal, but I’ve been conditioned to think I have cottage cheese legs, and I hate it. I’ve read all the articles that say it’s not even a condition and was created as an aesthetic problem to sell all these bullshit products, and I know that, but it won’t change the fact that I don’t wear shorts. There’s this YouTuber that always gets comments from people saying how she finds the courage to wear shorts, and she’s like, I just wear them!
C: I hate when people say you’re SO BRAVE for wearing something when you look a certain way. Like why shouldn’t they?
A: You don’t tell a skinny person they’re so brave for wearing a crop top!
C: EXACTLY! It’s so stupid. I probably wouldn’t look twice if you wore shorts, but that’s how we are. We always think everyone is looking at the one thing we don’t want them to.
A: One of my other insecurities is my lips. I’ve always had small lips. I remember as a child, pushing them out with my tongue. Especially now since I do makeup on myself and other people, that insecurity has increased. I over line the SHIT out of my lips, I wear plumping glosses, and I have a savings account for lip filler.
C: Oh my god, I want under-eye filler and nose filler.
A: People always say, oh it’s just because it’s a fad to want big lips, but I’m like, no. I’ve had this since I was a child.
C: I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting procedures done.
A: Why not get something done that’s going to make you feel better about yourself?
C: What I don’t like is when people lie about it. At the end of the day, if you have a large following, especially of young impressionable girls, be upfront.
A: I do feel kind of bad, because my mom has the same lips as me, and I don’t want her to think I’m thinking critically of hers, because I’m not. A couple years back I used to edit them to make them bigger, and I stopped because I was like, Anna, that’s not good for you.
C: It’s like, why don’t they look like that today? Because they didn’t then!
A: Exactly, you enhanced them! Anyway, I overdraw them to make them bigger, so why not actually make them bigger? It’s not about other people.
C: Were those always your insecurities?
A: When I was in high school I wanted a boob job, but my boobs were an A, and that’s so dumb, I was still developing. If I had gotten a boob job then I would be a size H or something. Now I’m a size D? So uh…
C: I’m literally flat chested and I used to think boys wouldn’t like me because of it, and now I don’t care at all.
A: Different strokes for different folks! I do think the early 2000s were the boob era, and that’s why in the back of my mind I always wanted one.
C: Do you feel like people notice your insecurities, or it’s a you thing?
A: Cellulite I literally hide, so I don’t think people notice that, but I do think people are critical about it in general. I feel like if I showed it more, people would notice it.
C: I feel that, I was with a friend who commented on a woman wearing shorts with a little bit of cellulite and I was like uhm, that’s what my legs look like.
A: Yeah, but it’s normal! I do think I’ve developed more insecurities now, because I see more people due to social media. Even comparing myself to plus size people, I’m like, oh my god I don’t even look like THAT. I followed plus size people to diversify what I was seeing and I actually started comparing myself even more!
C: I actually had to unfollow a lot of people when I was getting over my body dysmorphia at its peak. Like I’m not mad at you or judging you for looking the way you do, I just can’t see that right now.
A: If it’s someone that looks close to what I would want for myself, I can’t do that.
C: Do you feel like you compare yourself to other people?
A: Absolutely, all the time. It’s inevitable, it’s not just women, I think men do it too. I hate when men act like they don’t have the problems we do, because they do, it’s just internalized. It sucks, because they deal with things on their own, and they never should. Even though men aren’t judged the way we are, the pressure is still pretty heavy, but I do think there is more opportunity for men that don’t have the societal ideal look.
C: I think there’s more variety in the type of men that women are attracted to, whereas men, there’s like one specific look at a time.
A: One thing that’s talked about all the time is how men are choosy and forward about their preference. But it’s not a preference, they’re just being rude. I would never be like, sorry I can’t date you because you’re blonde, but men DO that.
C: Also when women date guys, I mean obviously some people have a type, but they usually date people that look really different from each other, but guys will date different girls that all look the same.
A: THE SAME.
C: And I’m like, what kind of mommy issues do you have?!
A: That’s so true, I have friends who will look at their girlfriends and see their exes look similar.
C: I mean obviously we’re generalizing, but.
A: Yeah of course, but I think it’s because women are more open.
C: But anyway, on the other side of the spectrum, what’s something you love about yourself? (This strange jump is because we actually spent 20 minutes talking about cute boys, sorry to rob you of that)
A: I got two things. One, my eyebrows.
C: They’re great eyebrows.
A: Thank you, I put in a lot of work to make them look like this, but I’m proud I was able to grow them back. Also my waist, I love how it tapers in. I mean there’s other things too, I really like my feet…
C: I don’t, but I do have ugly feet, but it’s fine, I’m okay with it. That’s great though, make an Only Fans.
A: I need that money!!!
C: I really love my collar bones and lips. I like my eyes and eyelashes in combination. It’s funny, I used to hate my eyes.
A: Really?
C: Yeah, I didn’t think they looked good in pictures, weird. I do like them now though, I don’t know why I was against them. Lastly, when do you feel the most confident?
A: When I’m home by myself with music blasting and I’m dancing around.
C: AW I LOVE THAT!
“…I looked so happy, and I was like, why don’t I feel like this all the time?”
A: For sure, I mean I’m not a dancer at all, I have two left feet, I can’t twerk, I can’t do any of that stuff, so I don’t feel comfortable dancing in front of people, BUT at home I can do whatever. I recorded myself one time because I wanted to see what I looked like when no one’s watching, and I looked ridiculous, but I looked so happy, and I was like, why don’t I feel like this all the time? AND when I have a full face of makeup, EXTRA AS HELL.
C: Mhm, like, I did THAT!
A: Yeah, especially on Halloween when I do body paint, ugh it feels great.
C: Especially since it’s like something you love to do, it pays off and you’re like ugh, I’m so good at this.
A: Exactly, and I don’t want to say other people’s praise helps, but it does.
C: Oh, totally.
A: Yeah, how about you?
C: I was thinking the other day how good I feel when I’m working out. Especially my workout, Synthesis. I created it so people wouldn’t be intimidated with fitness and so it would be fun. Like I do break a sweat sometimes, but it doesn’t make me feel like I’m dying and it feels so natural in the body. I just feel so strong and pretty when I do my routines.
A: No, yeah when I took your class I was probably at my worst health wise, but I didn’t feel like I wanted to leave crying. It was fun and I had a good time, and I remember turning to my husband after and being like, I didn’t do well, but I felt good.
C: Yeah, I feel so good when I do my workouts, because I don’t feel like I’m working out. I feel like I’m moving in a way that I’m meant to move. No one’s even watching me, but I feel so good.
A: The best way to feel confident is when you’re working on yourself and to have fun while doing it.
C: I guess the key to being confident is to just be happy and that’s all that matters.
A: Yeah! Aw that was so good, we’re so wholesome.
