This has been a weird year, and it’s made a lot of things weird. Like time.
In this installment of The Spotlight Effect, I talked to someone who I’ve known for less than a year. Not only that, but we’ve only seen each other in person twice (this photoshoot included). Yet I feel like I’ve known Kimmie forever. Granted we do talk almost every single day because we work together, but still.
I have loved each of these so much, and all for different reasons, but this was one of my favorite conversations, because Kimmie is so well spoken. I took so much from this conversation, and I really hope you do too.
Caroline: So the first question is, what is the first thing you noticed about me?
Kimmie:The first thing I noticed about you? That’s a great question. I would have to say your skin.
C: Really?!
K: Yes.
C: That’s really funny, because everyone always says I have nice skin, but I don’t. I don’t think I do.
K: I get it. My whole life I’ve struggled with my skin. For the past two years I’ve been fixing it, so whenever I see people I always admire their skin, no matter what stage it’s in. And your skin, it’s so bright and shiny and clean and beautiful, so.
C: Aw, thanks!!! I know I don’t have the worst skin, for me it’s mainly just congestion, but you have really nice skin.
K: Thank you!
C: The first thing I noticed about you is your hair, because it’s like, perfect.
K: Ugh, thank you!! It’s because it’s clean. It’s literally just clean.
C: Yeah, but that’s just what it looks like though?
K: Yeah… I brushed it!!! I brushed it and I shampooed it, so that’s a big deal.
C: For me, with curly hair, it’s a whole process. And then after I do everything, sometimes it’ll just look bad, so I’m like, I guess I’m just wearing it up until I wash it again! Sometimes I say, I wish I just had the typical white girl hair.
K: The white girl hair!!! I’m like CEO of white girl hair. Mixed European decent hair.
C: My dad has really curly hair, so I get it from him.
K: We both get it from our dads.
C: So on to insecurities, one of mine, because there’s always more than one, is my dark circles, because I came out of the womb with them.
K: I can’t believe you just said that.
C: I want filler so bad. I look like a Tim Burton character. Everyone always tells me I’m out of my mind, but no, I’m not.
K: I totally get it. In terms of physical insecurity it always comes down to my skin. I remember I would always have my hair converting my face, because I didn’t want anyone seeing it, and dark circles are one of my number one insecurities. Even if I’m well rested and take really good care of my skin, I can’t escape it. Every time I see a photo of myself with like no makeup on, or tired, I feel like I look ugly. And it’s frustrating, because I don’t look at myself as an unattractive person. I actually really enjoy taking pictures of myself and things like that, but I don’t like the image of me looking tired. I’ve gone through all these products and I’ve just gotten to the point where I know this is just what my body looks like, but the first thing I do when I do my makeup is conceal my eyes. To me, as soon as I do that, I feel like I’m gonna look so much better. I also feel like it makes me look like a sleepy baby, so I totally agree with you. Also as white women, I feel like it just happens like that.
C: Yeah, and my skin is super thin, and hollow, so you can just see it.
K: And it’s like right there! So yeah skin and dark circles are always number one… I used to be really insecure about being short.
C: Really?!
K: Yeah, I’m 5’1, which is super common but I just feel like a kid, and when I think of femininity, it’s obviously more than just being tall and thin, but there are moments where I think I’m un-sexy because I’m little. I work with kids a lot, and I’ve been mistaken for a kid constantly. And at work I feel like, no matter how much experience I have or how old I am, I’m still looked at as a child sometimes. In my self-conscious head, I’m like, it’s because I’m small and look youthful, and people can’t take me seriously.
C: That’s so interesting you say that, because I feel like women don’t usually talk about height being an insecurity.
K: No, right?!
C: Yeah, I feel like it’s usually always men. It’s funny, I used to always see tall women, and because I’m only 5’2, I’d be like oh my god, I wish I was that tall! My mom would always say, but you’d have such a hard time finding a boyfriend.
K: I’m having a hard time finding a boyfriend right now!!!
C: RIGHT, but I’d just always say, who needs a boyfriend when you can be a model?
K: TRUE.
C: I would always say that to her.
K: That’s so funny.
C: I’m short, but my legs are like ¾ of my body. My torso is so short, and tall people have long legs, but they have longer torsos and it looks so good. Like I could never pull off low rise jeans because of my proportions.
K: I really hope they don’t come back. I don’t know if it’s height or muffin tops, but… my friend was like why would I hate the part of my body that’s named after the most delicious part of the muffin? I was like, that just changed my life.
C: That just changed my whole perspective.
K: I KNOW!!!
C: But yeah, high waisted forever.
K: Sometimes when I think about my proportions, I feel like someone took a person on photoshop and shrunk everything completely. Everything is short and I feel so compact, but it just depends on the day. Sometimes it doesn’t even cross my mind, but I think it’s just become more thought about as we’ve gotten older, because there’s this murky idea about what being a women is. I can still be sexy at 5’1. It’s a weird thing to unpack.
C: I would have never thought compact, when you described yourself like that. I would have thought proportioned, whereas my torso is so small and my limbs are so long, it’s stupid.
“…we think we’re the protagonist at all times.”
K: I didn’t realize you were short, and we just focus so much on these things, but I don’t remember the last time I looked at someone and thought, oh, those proportions are weird. I’ve never thought that about other people, so like, why am I doing this to myself all. The. Time. Because we think we’re the protagonist at all times.
C: You’re right, you never think those things when you look at someone else. Like with weight, I literally never think about it when I look at other people. I’m not saying that just to be nice, I genuinely don’t see those things. I just see a human, wearing clothes, but about myself I see everything.
K: Yeah, we play mental Tetris with ourselves.
C: I also think women are a lot more open to seeing beauty and attractiveness in a variety of different people.
K: Definitely. I think it’s because of the way we’re brought up, and we want to see the beauty in different things and people, because we see the difference in each other. Generally speaking, as women we are more open minded, usually. And in our relationships we lead more emotionally than men as well, because we’re brought up to be more empathetic and nurturing and that affects the way we view other people. That’s way there’s always that trope about “hot” girls dating “ugly” dudes, because we’re always like, I love his personality and the way he treats me. Whereas, you never hear a guy say, oh, I’m dating an “ugly” girl but she has an amazing personality. Women are expected to make those choices but men aren’t. That women becomes their friend or “DUFF”, which I hate.
“We play mental Tetris with ourselves.”
C: Exactly, and I do think looks matter to an extent, but a lot of times I won’t be attracted to someone until I see them do something, or get to know them. But anyway, were those always your insecurities?
K: My skin, for my whole life has always been an insecurity. My dark circles were more as I got older, like when I had to be in professional settings. I always knew about them, but I didn’t really give a shit until I graduated college. Historically though, it was just my body, my height, weight, you know, being a girl. Being a person really. When I lost weight, yes there’s always that aspect of wanting to feel better in your clothes, but the main thing was outrunning genetic issues and being healthy. So even though I’m not super tiny, that’s not the goal, I feel great and I love the way I look. When I want to accomplish a goal, I applaud myself for accomplishing it, because it’s really hard to do. To change your body, get stronger, lose weight, gain weight, takes a lot of discipline, and I love discipline. So any fitness goals I have are to prove that I can do what I want to do, and I’m the only one that can do it. You can’t change everything perfectly, but if I’m making a change, I’m the only one that can do it. But yeah, always, I’ve always been surrounded by the notion of being overweight or unhealthy.
C: I can totally relate, when I was younger I was overweight, and all my friends were always really skinny, but when I got into health and fitness I lost a lot weight, without even really trying. I didn’t mean to do it, but because I did, I got into a really unhealthy mindset and became underweight. I’m very self-aware, so I wanted to gain the weight back, but at the same time I was like, I don’t want to be fat. Which is an awful thing to think.
K: We all have that one body we want, which is a trap, because we’re not built like that. There’s a lot of things we can control, but there’s also a lot we can’t.
C: Exactly, I’ve gained some weight over the past year, mainly muscle, but in my head, after weighing myself, I looked in the mirror and I was like… maybe I do look bigger? Even though I knew I looked the same. Do you feel like people notice your insecurity, or it’s just a you thing?
K: No, it’s a me thing. In terms of things like my skin and under eye circles, those are things that only I know, not things other people see, which makes me feel more trapped because I know it’s me. When it comes to my height or my body, that is something that other people will mention. When I meet new people, it won’t be weeks or months until they’re like wow… you’re really short, yet I’m always thinking about that. I am literally physically looking up. That is a comment people make, never poorly, but in a surprised way.
C: No one ever comments on my height either.
K: Yeah, they’ll be like you don’t seem like it, maybe it’s because you have a big personality, or because you’re so confident. I feel like as women we’re afraid to take up space, but I guess with my personality, I’m taking up space in a good way. So that comment never offends me, but sometimes I wonder if it’s backhanded. I have to say that most people do not know what I’m insecure about. People are always surprised at my insecurities, because they say I’m so confident. I am confident, but confident people are insecure too.
“I feel like as women, we’re afraid to take up space…”
C: Exactly, same.
K: I’d say I’m pretty fortunate that way, and I know it’s all in my head.
C: I agree with that, it’s definitely all in my head. The only time people ever commented about my physical appearance was when I lost weight and when I gained weight, and it always felt backhanded. Like even if people said something about how skinny I was, I would get mad.
K: Because it’s like, what do you want from me? Like I wasn’t good enough before, and now I’m still not. But once you start asking, what do you want from me, you’re already doing it wrong. You shouldn’t care if people think you look thin or fat.
“I am confident, but confident people are insecure too.”
C: Yes! Then when I gained weight, people were like, you look so healthy!
K: So I didn’t look healthy before?
C: Or like, so do I look fat now? I would never know what to say. I just feel like we shouldn’t comment on the way people look and make objective statements.
K: I go by the five minute rule, you don’t make a comment about someone’s appearance if it can’t be fixed in five minutes. Something on your face, something in your teeth, something going the wrong way…
C: I love that. I don’t ever understand why people comment on others.
K: It always say so much more about them. That person is speaking from their own personal pain, and them pointing something out to you makes them feel good in that moment, but it makes me pity them.
C: Do you compare yourself to others?
K: Genuinely at this phase in my life, not really. I found that was something that kept me from accomplishing things. I know I don’t look like other people, and I’ve come to terms with that. I’ll have that initial feeling when I compare myself to someone who walks by for a brief moment, but I attack those thoughts right away. Truthfully, I don’t actively do it, and if it happens, I try to work on it right away. It’s made me feel more powerful in my personal decisions. You can’t compare yourself to other people, because you can’t do what they do, but they can’t do what you do.
C: That’s so great.
K: Thank you.
C: I think I’ve also gotten better with it, with age.
K: Yeah, that’s what it is. I also think I compare myself more in terms of what I’m doing at certain points in my life.
C: I was just about to say that.
K: 25 is so young to some people, but I know so many people who are with the people they’re going to marry, with full time jobs, and I’m so happy for them, but it made me spiral for a little bit. But I realized I don’t want that, I don’t have the same life as them. It ignites this imposter syndrome I’m trying to get over, but I think I’m doing a good job dealing with it.
C: Literally me, like applying to jobs has made me go insane, and when I was applying to colleges I had no clue what I wanted to do. I’m still not 100% sure.
K: Yes, and where success comes from changes, especially with social media, and it shapes the way we view our personal success.
C: Exactly, and I was becoming okay with slowly figuring things out, and then COVID hit, and I felt like no one was interested in me.
K: Also, so many people have jobs that they’re miserable in, and I want to feel fulfilled.
C: What is something you love about yourself?
K: Ugh I love this question. I love my personality and I love my ability to connect with people. My number one priority is to always make people feel comfortable. I really like that about me, because I’m very people oriented. I love my attitude and my confidence about things, and I love my tenacity, because if I want to do something, I always work on it and get it done.
C: I love that, and I love that you went for non-physical things, but what is a physical thing you love about yourself. I feel like we usually always ignore that, but we should be comfortable liking those things about ourselves too!
K: Totally, I love my ass, my legs, I love the shape of my body. I just love the way I look as an adult now, even though I have my insecurities, I do take a lot of time to appreciate my body, and always take the time to point out things I like. I always try to take picture of myself. I’m at this point in my life, when I grow up, and I’m an older women, I don’t want to be like like wow, I wish I knew how good I had it. I know.
“Coming out on the other side stronger is addicting.”
C: Yes!! I always wear things that highlight the things I love about myself, and I love taking nudes, like bitch, I’ll leak my own.
K: I KNOW! Maybe I won’t be able to run for office, but maybe I’ll inspire someone.
C: Exactly, I hate when people tell me I won’t get hired because of it.
K: I don’t want to work for you anyway. Also what I post is my personal life, not what I can offer in a work position. It’s sexist, because it comes down to what level people are comfortable with when it comes to sexuality and femininity. I have to worry that an employer is afraid that they’re afraid of being sexually attracted to my body, that’s what I hear when they say those things.
C: When do you feel the most confident?
K: I would have to say, after my workouts. Not because I punish myself for working out, but because I’m so obsessed with that feeling of accomplishing something grueling. Like there’s no better feeling than doing something that is hard and getting through the other side, like, I did that thing! I don’t know if it’s the endorphins, but I feel like I can do whatever I want!
C: Maybe it’s a fitness professional thing.
K: I think it might be!!!
C: Because when I work out I feel confident too, and I feel strong. Even if it’s just a yoga flow, I love things that feel natural to the body. Moving in a way that feels right.
K: Yeah, it has to be functional.
C: And when I’m teaching I feel so confident. I love when people are surprised that I can talk through the whole workout.
K: It’s such a cool compliment, because we are just so used to doing it like it’s nothing. It’s so empowering and exciting to do tough stuff. I like that feeling in any area of life, not just fitness. Coming out on the other side stronger is addicting.
