Well, it’s been quite some time since I’ve done one of these, and I apologize for that, but we’re getting back into the swing of things baybee.
My last post here, was a bit of a depressing one, but it was something I needed to get out. While I’m not promising weekly posts here (I do have a weekly fashion newsletter that takes a bit of time after all), I will be posting more often.
What better way to make a comeback than with my favorite thing about this blog; a Spotlight Effect feature.
I got back in touch with Maya, someone who I hadn’t seen in person for maybe seven years, to do this, and I’m so happy I did. I can’t explain exactly how I choose the people that I do to be a part of this, but when she said she was interested, I was so excited.
This conversation connected with me in so many ways, and really helped me unblock some things when it came to confidence and self-acceptance; I hope it does the same for you. Sometimes you already know things, but you just need to hear them a couple of more times before they stick.
Caroline: We met years, and years ago, but if you remember, what’s the first thing you noticed about me?
Maya: I feel like… I mean when I met you, you and everyone else were friends from high school, so I didn’t know anyone that well. It was all very interesting that you were all older than me, but I just remember, you had, like, big, curly, blonde hair, and I thought it was so cool.
C: Really?!
M: Yeah, yeah! And I think we were both wearing furry jackets, and I thought that was really cool. Just like little things, especially meeting someone off the internet. It’s always fun to meet people who are interested in the same things as you and dress similarly to you, so I felt very comfortable in the environment despite not having met any of you before, in real life. Everyone seemed really cool, and stylish, and chic. It was a really fun environment to be in as a young person. And you’re just, like, really friendly.
C: Aw thanks.
M: I was just really lucky to feel comfortable around you guys.
C: Yeah, I feel like I noticed the same thing about you; what you were wearing. I think you had a Posh Spice shirt on, or something?
M: I did, I did!
C: Oh my god, I don’t know why I reme- well I guess I remember these things because I like fashion, but I think you had on… I don’t know if it was a necklace or earrings, but it some kind of jewelry with a fruit.
M: I had a grape necklace on!
C: YES! I was about to say, I think it was a grape. Oh my god. And I thought it was so cute! It’s so interesting, because I didn’t even know you from the internet. I knew you because you were friends with my friends through the internet, so I was just happy that when we met (in Penn Station, trying to figure out how to get to Rough Trader in Brooklyn to got to a Marina and the Diamonds signing) it wasn’t weird. Isn’t it funny that we both mentioned we liked each other’s style, but when I think of some of the things I wore back then, I’m like, ew.
M: I know, I would never wear an O Mighty halter top now. It makes sense where I am now with my relationship to fashion, to like what I was wearing then, but at the same time it’s so drastically different.
C: Same.
M: I mean, I was wearing American Apparel skinny jeans, and I still have some of that stuff, but it was definitely a sign of the times.
C: I’m also all over the place with my style.
M: I am too! Getting dressed today… when it comes to spring and summer, I’m like very hyperfeminine; florals and whites.
C: Yeah, the cold is confusing!
M: Yeah, the cold- now I’m like oh… rockstar’s girlfriend.
C: YES!!!
M: Like, Gabbriette is one of my biggest style influences for the winter. Like, super dark eyeliner, showing off my tattoos. I’ll just be super edgy for the winter, and do like a full 180 in the summer, and be like super girly.
C: I’m always like, who do I feel like being today?
M: Exactly!
C: What’s your biggest insecurity?
M: That’s really hard. I feel like I’ve gone through phases in my life. I mean in high school, being in suburban New Jersey, it was very white; I was very insecure about my racial identity, and being a woman of color. The fact that my hair, I have to straighten it, you know. Also I was very underdeveloped; I didn’t have boobs, I didn’t have a butt, I wasn’t curvy, just super skinny and lanky. As I’ve gotten to college, I kind of was just like, yeah, I have to straighten my hair, but I do it because I like it. I don’t do it to prove anything to anyone. I had my hair natural for a year, and I was like, this isn’t me. I want my bangs, and I want my hair to look the way that I like it. It’s more work, but that’s me, and that’s fine. It doesn’t matter what other people think. I feel now that I’ve gained some weight, it’s more so like, adjusting to becoming a women and having more curves, and also like, my stomach, I’m not a 00 anymore, I’m 4/6. Even though that’s still small, I’m 5’7, that’s a very average size for a tall person, but it’s still an adjustment. I’m trying to just be comfortable with the way I look. I’ve had other people be like, “Maya you looks so phenomenal, you look so healthy!” I’m not 5’7 with a 23’’ waist anymore, I have hips and cleavage, and all things a woman has, and people always tell me I look great, but I always get so nervous about my arms now, and I have a tattoo on my stomach, and I used to be uncomfortable by it, but I actually got the tattoo on my stomach to be like, no, I actually want to show it off. Maybe I have to workout a little bit more, eat a little healthier, and be a little more conscious, but I’m just not a little kid anymore, and don’t have the body of a teenager, and I just have to think about the way my body looks in a different way than it did growing up. I’m pretty happy now with my hair and my eyes and my face and stuff. I don’t have a problem with my nose or my mouth or anything like that, it’s just more about getting adjusted to growing into a body that’s been the same for 20 years, and then I hit 21 and it drastically changed throughout the pandemic, and just getting older. So that’s been my biggest insecurity, but I’m trying to work with it, but I also know that if I want to change something, I have the ability to change. Like, not obsessing over it, but being like, how do I get comfortable in my skin, but also like, I can lose weight; it’s not bad to lose weight, but just not obsessing about being a specific weight. I don’t have to be a 00 to still be myself. Like, it’s hot to be curvy. That’s why I’ve been inspired by Gabbriette lately, because she has a similar body type to me, now, and she wears low rise jeans and sexy tops, and she looks so hot, so why shouldn’t I feel the same?
“I don’t have to be a 00 to still be myself.”
C: I definitely relate to that. Growing up, I was a chubby kid and considered overweight when you look at your BMI or whatever bullshit, and then I lost a lot of weight in an unhealthy weight, and then I made the conscious decision to gain weight and be healthier. I was fine with it, I came to terms with it, and I was okay. I’ve come a long way since then, but the first year of the pandemic… I never really weight myself, but I just randomly decided to. I thought I was past it, and it wouldn’t affect me, but it was more than I thought it was going to be, and I was like maybe… maybe I don’t look the way I think I do. Then I just started getting into my head and working out more, and I was like, what are you doing?! I’m a fitness instructor, and I was just like, I don’t teach this!!! I never talk about people’s bodies or weight in class. I never talk about the way you look to my clients, I always talk about the way you feel. I was just like, why am I not taking the same advice for myself that I know to be true? So I just pulled back on everything, started doing workouts that I actually enjoyed doing and not going crazy, eating a good amount of food, and just living my life, and I never felt better. It’s so crazy to think, because of my past eating disorder, I developed chronic digestive issues, and to this day I’m still working on healing them, and it’s really hard to deal with bloating when you also have body issues.
M: It is! I’ve never dealt with that as much as I do now. I never got like super bloated as a teenager, but in the last year and a half, two years, I’m like oh, this is what bloating is like. I’m actually bloated, and I see the difference in my body from when I wake up to the end of the day. It’s very interesting.
C: Yeah and in the beginning of the year I got COVID, and it affected my stomach. That was one of the reasons I was scared to get COVID, because I knew that would happen, and it did, and it set me back completely. I just felt very out of body, and like all my progress in healing was gone. I’m finally starting to feel better with the help of my naturopath. I’m better at it now, but years ago it was so hard for me to disconnect bloat from what I actually looked and felt like. I think that made it harder to get past the, oh my body is just growing. When I was like 22 or 23, I feel like I went through a second puberty.
M: Yeah! That’s what my friends and I have been talking about, because I have a friend who was also a 00 her whole life. She’s a lot shorter than me, but we both had very similar body types; very small, very petite. You know, just like small, and we both gained a lot of weight. And it’s like, the pandemic, we’re drinking more, we’re not going out, we’re just home with nothing to do, but we’re also at that age where we go through a second puberty that no one ever tells us about until you go through it and people are like, oh yeah, about that!
C: Yeah, exactly! It’s weird, because I’ve basically always been a 4, and I’m still that, but shit still fits different and weird.
M: It does!
C: I’m like, how am I the same size? I weigh a little bit more, but not that much, and like, how is it making this much of a difference? I’m like, should I lose a little weight? But at the same time, my body seems to be really comfortable at this set point, and as a fitness professional, I know I’m fine. It’s just hard giving yourself that advice.
M: I know. It’s so much easier to tell other people what’s good for them and what’s not, and the minute it’s yourself, it’s so hard to commit yourself to those ideologies. I still struggle, that’s why I’m trying to force myself, in a sense, to get comfortable with what I look like, and I have lost some weight in the past six months, just because I’m leaving the house more. I walk a lot more here, even more than I did in Chicago. But it’s still hard here, especially in a major city, where so many people are so skinny, and the internet, you can’t help but compare yourself. Or even looking at pictures from six months ago or a year ago, and being like, oh that’s what I used to look like. That’s so surreal. It’s hard, outside of comparing yourself to other people, comparing yourself to your former self, is like the biggest struggle for me. Being like, oh I used to fit into this, and I love these pants, but it’s not realistic to expect to fit into a UK 2 or something. It’s just not a reality.
“… outside of comparing yourself to other people, comparing yourself to your former self, is like the biggest struggle for me.”
C: Yeah, it’s also hard, because I’m thin, but I’m not the desirable thin.
M: Yeah.
C: You know what I mean? That’s tricky sometimes, because you feel bad complaining about what you look like.
M: Yeah exactly. Like, we are both similar sizes. We are both thin in the world.
C: Yeah, I don’t experience the bias against me that someone larger might have.
M: No! But it’s still so hard, even going on TikTok, and people are body checking like it’s fucking 2012 on Tumblr.
C: The ‘What I Eat In A Day’ videos that start with an ab shot!
M: I know, I know! It’s so insane that- like when I see someone that’s 23, 24, and they are a 00, that is such a wrong message to send to young girls, because I was that size when I was 17, thinking that I would always be that size, but then you do become a woman. You get stretch marks, and thighs, and things that are inevitable, because you grow into your body. It makes girls think that they are going to be a certain size forever; they’re going to look this way forever. I couldn’t fathom being a size D boobs, I was an A, and now over the course of like, six months I’m now a 32D, and that’s insane to me. If I told myself that when I was 16, I would have laughed. I would have been like, no, you’ve always been underdeveloped and had to wear training bras, why would you have D boobs at 23?
C: We touched on this a little bit, but you feel like your insecurities have changed over time, right? They haven’t always been the same?
M: No, because I was always underweight, so it was about being underdeveloped, and not it’s like the opposite. I used to wear loose fitting clothes, you know, dresses that just kind of hang on you. But now I have boobs, so I have to navigate around curves and boobs. When I’m wearing a loose dress or a grandma looking dress, it looks kind of sloppy on me now, whereas when I were something tight, it looks sexy; it’s not just a tight thing on my body, I have curves. So it’s just kind of like, navigating my style as my body changes, because I was used to working on a smaller, thinner frames. Now I have other things to consider, and I didn’t change my style, but I changed the way I dress in certain ways to fit the way my body look now, which I mean, makes sense.
C: Yeah, for sure.
M: Some things flatter me, some things don’t. I feel pregnant looking when I wear a big froofy dress, because my boobs stick out, and it isn’t just flat. But now it’s like, okay, I can wear tight things, and I have boobs, and that’s new and cool, so let’s explore that instead of focusing on the fact that I can’t wear the other things.
C: Yeah, I’ve heard this quote so many times, but how people say, you’re not meant to fit clothes, clothes are meant to fit you. It’s just an understanding that I’m not supposed to feel bad because this doesn’t look right on me, I’ll just find something that does look right on me. Mine (insecurities) have changed overtime too. Obviously you have days when something is really bothering you, and some days where it’s not.
M: Yeah, it’s like a fixation.
C: When I was younger, I mean I still have no boobs, I never have, but that used to be a huge insecurity for me.
M: Especially in middle school and high school, and stuff.
C: Yes, and I also experienced something that made me think no boy was ever going to like me, because I have no boobs. I felt really insecure about it; I was always wearing a push up bra, not that I had anything to push up, it was just the shape of the bra. Now I had this realization that I was like, you’re never going to get a boob job, so why are you complaining. If you’re not going to do anything about it, why are you upset about it? I kind of just stopped caring; I almost never wear a bra unless I really have to. I just don’t care, because if someone is really judging me because of that, I’m not the issue in the situation. I also kind of like it now; I can workout without a bra!
M: I MISS IT HONESTLY! I do. There’s things that I used to do, and you know, it gets attention in ways that I never thought it would, and never experienced. Now I’m very conscious of them in spaces that I go, and I’m like, yeah, maybe I should wear a bra with this because it’s a little much. I was out one day, and I was wearing a button up, and it just popped open. I was like, this is not something I’ve ever had to deal with, and it’s awkward because I have to get a larger size blouse, because I can’t fucking fit my boobs, and then it looks frumpier. You know, just styling things is different, and it’s a different mindset. There’s days when I’m like, it’s so fun having boobs, and days when I feel like I took my little ones for granted.
C: I know, I’m always like, they’ll grow when I have a child I guess.
M: *laughs* If mine grow when I have a child, I’m getting a reduction! Which sounds ridiculous because my boobs aren’t even that big, but I can’t even handle these, so if they get even bigger when I’m pregnant, I’m not…
C: My mom said hers grew when she was pregnant with me, and I’m like, well that’s my only option, because I’m not getting a boob job, and they barely grow when I gain weight, so like… It’s hard to imagine they were ever smaller than this, but I just don’t care anymore, I don’t know. Do you feel like other people notice your insecurities, or it’s a you thing?
M: I think it’s really just a me thing. I think that like, like I am lucky, I know I’m a conventionally attractive person, I’m aware of that. I maybe didn’t realize it a couple of years ago, but now I know that I am a pretty person. I’m a pretty girl, that’s fair to say, and I know that now. I know people don’t necessarily see the fact that I’ve gained weight, they might be like, oh Maya’s curvy or something like that, but no one ever fixates on it the way that I do. I’ll have people tell me I look so good; they never comment on my weight. I was also in a really toxic relationship, so I was depressed for a long time as well, and my friends are just happy to see me happy and healthy looking, and not drained. I don’t think that anyone really sees it, and they’re not gonna fucking comment on it if they do, because weight gain is a shitty thing to comment on.
C: You really have to be an asshole.
M: Yeah, exactly. My friends have told me that people come up to them and will be like, oh you’re friends with Maya, she’s so beautiful, and stuff. I think it’s very internal. I think I can present myself very confidently in social settings. I don’t keep to myself, I’m not too reserved, so I can fake it, so people don’t even maybe look at it in a way that I might be insecure about these things. I don’t fixate on it in social settings, so I don’t give people the opportunity to think about it, which is a good thing I suppose. It’s harder when it’s internal too, because now I just have to fix my own mentality, because no one else gives a shit; I just give a shit, but why do I care that much? If everyone thinks I’m still beautiful, and I’m still a great person, and I have friends that love me, why do I care so much that I don’t fit into a child’s jeans?
“If everyone thinks I’m still beautiful, and I’m still a great person, and I have friends that love me, why do I care so much that I don’t fit into a child’s jeans?”
C: I know, it’s so hard to just be like, yeah I am a pretty person! A lot of people I went to high school with told me they wanted to be my friend, but I was really intimidating and confident, and I’m like sorry, me? Like, what are you talking about! You don’t see things about yourself. Even now it can be hard for me to think I’m pretty. I did this with one of my friends, and I told him how I always feel like I’m a catfish, and he was like, no, you look like you’re photos. I just couldn’t believe him.
M: We spend so much time looking at ourselves; we don’t even associate the images with our actual self.
C: I also think it’s a me thing most of the time. I think people notice things about you, objectively, but they don’t actually see them in a negative way like you do.
M: They’re not fixated on it like you are, because it’s not them.
C: Do you compare yourself to other people?
M: 100% Like, I mean, as an artist, there’s a competitive nature, and inevitably being a woman of color, and having a white mom, I do compare myself to white woman very often. As much as I do like my hair, and I’m comfortable with having to do it myself, it would be so much easier if I could just wake up and have it the way I want it. It’s hard not to compare yourself to other people. Like, I could have better cheekbones; I’m happy with myself, but sometimes you just get into those moods where you’re like, I wish this was this, I wish my hair was longer, I like the way this haircut looks on her, but it wouldn’t look the same on me. I try to not really follow people who I feel like I want to be them. It’s not healthy, I’m never gonna be that. I’m not gonna be a petite white woman with long blonde hair and a tiny Lana Del Rey nose. It’s not gonna happen for me, so why should I fixate on it, and why should I follow it?! Because it’s not healthy for me to witness it at all. I feel like now I go on celebrities pages and look at style inspiration or something, but ultimately the people that I follow are the people that aren’t going to make me feel bad about myself; at least I try to do that. TikTok is hard, because it’s just all algorithm, not who you follow necessarily. Even if I don’t wanna see it, I see it. Like, super skinny girls trying on their clothes and doing little dances, and I’m like, I used to look like that. That’s why, going back to Gabbriette, it’s nice to see someone I can identify with.
C: I definitely have compared myself too. I probably do it less now than I did before. I also notice that I care a lot less about what people think. I posted a Instagram Reel of an outfit, and every fucking comment on it was negative, and every time someone new commented on it, I just laughed; I thought it was so funny. I think years ago that would have really affected me, and now I just laugh. I don’t care.
M: Also, just like, why do you have to be so hateful?
C: YEAH!!!
M: Like I’ve witnessed things and been like, nooo, but I keep it to myself, and I move on, and I forget about it. Why do you have to verbalize…
C: It was so funny to me that they took the time.
M: To verbalize it! Like okay???
“We spend so much time looking at ourselves; we don’t even associate the images with our actual self.
C: I mean I wear some questionable things sometimes, but then you look at the people making these comments and they are wearing the most basic thing, not that that’s a bad thing, but what do you want me to say to you? And, I’m obviously white, I have white privilege, but it’s funny you mention the hair thing, because I’ve always been insecure about my hair, because I don’t have the typical “white girl” hair. I hated having curly hair when I was younger; now I love it. Back then it was a nuisance and I didn’t think I looked good with it. It’s crazy how embedded Eurocentric beauty standards are in our society, because I’m European and I look very European, but didn’t think I looked European enough.
M: Even though my sister had looser curls, since we’re both mixed, I had much tighter curls. I had thick, tight curls even though my hair is fine, and I was like why can’t I just have looser, big Taylor Swift curls?
C: I was always like, why can’t I have effortless curls?
M: Exactly!
C: I actually have to work to make them look nice, and even then they’re always a little frizzy. I also hate my nose, and I feel like I always look at people’s noses and will be like, oh my god, her nose is so cute! I feel like you pay attention to things that you don’t have, and to things you like on other people. It’s such a strange thing.
M: I felt the same way. My mom is white, she’s blonde, she has green eyes; I used to be like why didn’t I get these things? Now I’m like… I don’t really want any of those things. I’ve never been hyper fixated on my nose, but I’m sure at one point I wanted a little upturned Lana Del Rey nose. Now I’m like, that would look ridiculous on me! I have a cute little button nose and it makes sense on my face. As a black person I don’t have to worry about being insecure about have a wide nose, and many people do. Like I’m ethically ambiguous, and I have the privilege of looking mixed, or being something else. I am Latina, so I get to pass around a lot of ethnicities that a lot of other black people obviously don’t. Even my lips; they’re full but they’re nothing that anyone has ever commented on, like, they’ve never been a big ordeal. Now obviously there’s the super full lip trend with lip injections, and I’ve considered it, and I’m like, why would I do that? I’m so lucky to have the size mouth that I have, and it suits my small face. I already have big eyes, I don’t need, like, the works, emphasizing other features. Even years ago when I wore red lipstick I would think it was so prominent, because even though my lips weren’t that big, they were bigger than everyone else’s. Sometimes I still feel like it’s a lot, and my face is really small, but I try to be conscious of it.
C: I’ve always wanted to fill the dent in my nose and my under eyes, but like, I don’t want to pay for that. I hate that it’s not a one and done thing. Also, where does it go? Freaks me out a little bit.
M: That’s what I always think too, because I feel like I hear so many things about people getting so many lip fillers and then in 10 years they look all messed up. I don’t know, I guess I just know I’ll age the way I’ll age, and it’ll be fine. Even Botox; I’m lucky I don’t have any prominent wrinkles, but it’s fine! We’ll find out; I’ll still look nice.
C: I still look 12, so honestly, I wouldn’t mind looking a little bit older!
M: I finally think I look the age I am; now is the first time I don’t get carded places anymore.
C: Ugh, I do. On the other side of things, what’s something you love about yourself?
M: Uhm, I like my hands; they’re like, my fingers are really long. I always get compliments on my hands, even as a kid. People will be like, oh, you have model hands, you should play piano. I’ve made fun of them before, but.
C: My mom always says I have cat burglar hands, it makes more sense in Polish, but it’s because I have long fingers too. She’s like, you could be a thief!
M: My best friend called me the Other Mother from Coraline.
C: Oh my god, kind of love that.
M: But I do like them, I feel like they make sense with me as a person. They’re lanky, they’re long, they’re kind of graceful, also clumsy. And I do really like my eyes; it fits my personality having doe eyes. I like my height, I like being tall. It’s fun seeing the world from 5’7. Like I’m not super tall, but I wear heels and I’m 5’10; it’s fun being tall. I do like a lot of things about myself. I like my tattoos. I started getting tattoos for fun, but now I kind of use it as a way to be more comfortable in my body.
C: You’re the first person that’s ever said that, and I always say that. Tattoos make me feel confident, and I feel like no one understands that!
M: Yeah, they’re sexy! I feel like when I show off my tattoos it also distracts from insecurities you might have. It’s a little confidence booster, and I feel like all my tattoos are a great representation of who I am as a person. Every time I get a new one, I’m like, I wanna show off this part of my body now!
“…ultimately the people that I follow are the people that aren’t going to make me feel bad about myself…”
C: When do you feel the most confident?
M: I think, *laughs*, this is literally from a TikTok, but when I go out dancing…
C: *LAUGHS*
M: I KNOW, I KNOW!!!
C: No, I love that!
M: But it’s true! Like when I go out at night, and I have to get dressed up, and just look super hot. During the day I dress cute, but at night I look hot! I wear the things I save for a night out. Obviously just like getting drunk, going out, and not thinking about who’s around you. That’s when you’re focused on your friends, and yourself, and having fun, and I just feel good about myself. The photos I see of myself out and having fun; I look happy, I look hot, and I’m only concerned about who I’m there with, and no one’s opinion of me. As unfortunate as it is, when I’m dancing, I do feel the sexiest!
C: No, I feel that, I definitely feel that. It’s TikTok’s fault for ruining it, not yours. It’s just the feeling of being free and having fun; that always makes me feel so confident.
M: Even when I’m at home and playing music and dancing around. I’ll be in my underwear and a t-shirt. When you’re just walking around I still feel like you’re focusing on how you look and how you’re walking, but when I’m out and just dancing all night and super sweaty, it’s just so fun!
C: I agree, it’s just so fun. I’ll dance around my room and record myself on Photo Booth.
M: That’s also honestly where I used to get all my exercise from; going to parties and dancing till like 3AM.
C: Tea.
M: It’s super fun when the music’s fun. I never go there to impress anyone, those nights are just about me and my friends, it’s just the most fun.
C: You feel the most confident when you focus on yourself.
M: Yeah, and not the external.
